Aunt Emily…


Dear Lydia,
I’m really sorry Newcastle isn’t working out too well for you. It’s very difficult to make friends in new places and first impressions are very important. People may see your high-spiritedness as ‘irritating’ and ‘annoying’ as you said in your letter, but they have to get to know the real you, and you have to learn to give them that chance. Perhaps refrain from skipping around at parties, showing off, giggling and squealing like a gutted pig.


Dear Sherlock,
I have read your letter many times and a lot of it has troubled me. I have spoken to a number of professionals and I think maybe you should see someone about Asperger’s Syndrome. Perhaps once you have dealt with this broader issue you can then work out how to deal with your feelings toward your housemate. I hope this helps.

Marshall Law

Dear Marshall,
First of all, congratulations on beating the bottle, it’s a very commendable thing to have done. That being said, I fear money issues have overshadowed any desires that you may have had toward being a credible member of society. I acknowledge that you had difficulties with bankruptcy and your son’s medical bills, but stealing from friends is the lowest of the low. Also, laxatives can permanently damage the stomach, are you aware of how dangerous your actions were? Go back to Paul and share the money if you are able. He’s your best friend and you need to reestablish your connection with him, whether you can get over your deep-seeded issues with his hair style or not.


Dear Neville,
As soon as you leave school I guarantee that bullies will become a thing of the past. They’re jealous and frustrated with their own lives, and you’ll realise that when you are removed from the intense, hostile environment that a boarding school can become. Puppy fat can be worked off and protruding ears can be pinned back with the NHS, you really needn’t worry about these things. When you move on from education you will flourish and those nastier acquaintances will undoubtedly keep reliving their downward spiral of self-hatred and projected anger. They may even develop drug habits and be jailed for constructing a rudimentary bomb, you never know.


Dear Daria,
Ignore them all. You’re doing just fine.

Please feel free to suggest characters that could do with the help of an agony aunt in the comments below…

Emily created Dystopic in July 2012 after requiring an outlet for her love of dystopian and apocalyptic fiction. Her debut novel 'These Unnatural Men' was published in 2018.

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