Aunt Emily…


Dear Brian,
I literally have no idea why you can’t get a date. Women dig weird guys, trust me, you just haven’t found the right one yet. Perhaps stop sleeping with your landlady…that can’t end well. All you need to do is be a little bit proactive, escape the basement you hide yourself away in.


Dear Nemo,
The amount of issues that you have overcome in your short life is quite commendable. Not only did your mother die in tragic circumstances along with hundreds of your brothers and sisters, but you were also lost for days and faced countless dangers during a disastrous school trip. I myself was once left behind on a school trip at the Sealife Centre of all places. I was minding my own business – staring at the sting rays and studying their mesmerising movements – when I suddenly realised I had been forgotten. I had had to ask reception to telephone the school to pick me up…at the tender age of eight. Like you I now have abandonment issues, plot to disembowel all those involved on that horrific day and will physically attach my future children to me with the aid of some sort of knotted rope or cord until they reach twenty-seven. Just remember, all of your friends and family will try and leave you or die at one point or another, so be as clingy as possible to avoid a recurrence of previous events.


Dear Max,
I’m not quite sure whether I understood your letter entirely. So your wife and child were murdered horrifically, you searched for the bad guys, you found the bad guys, you killed the bad guys…and you’re still upset? I really think it’s time you moved on, you’re not getting any younger. Can’t you just find a quiet lady who won’t complain too heavily about your prescription pill addiction and alcoholism? Sure, your body is ravaged by the drugs and the booze and the many, many times you have thrown yourself to the floor, but there must be someone out there for you. The first step is letting go. So let go already.


Dear Bella,
WHO CARES. Pick up a book on feminism, or pick up a book full stop. Get some priorities or a hobby or a life, there really is more out there than just cock. Oh, and a smile never hurt anyone.


Dear Rose,
It’s good that you’ve finally come to terms with your guilt, because you didn’t want to save him, did you? Perhaps the class issue bothered you more than you realised? I think you knew that while on the boat your little love affair was just a bit of fun, but if you survived the sinking of the Titanic together you would have had to marry him. No two people can go through such a disaster and then part ways, commenting noncommittally that what you had was just a casual thing. Marriage would have been expected, and the headlines would have read: ‘Love blooms out of tragedy’ or something equally as nauseating. So, in an effort to keep your credibility, you decided that there was just no room on that floating bit of door for the two of you. Why does the idea of equal rights for women not include situations like these? You want a man to open a door for you but you won’t allow him to use one to save his own life?

Please feel free to suggest characters that could do with the help of an agony aunt in the comments below…

Emily created Dystopic in July 2012 after requiring an outlet for her love of dystopian and apocalyptic fiction. Her debut novel 'These Unnatural Men' was published in 2018.

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