Aunt Emily…


Dear Shaggy,
The most important thing is that you’ve honed in on these inappropriate urges and you’re addressing them, that is an amazing first step. What you have to realise is, no matter how much you personify your Great Dane, his feelings are not actually mutual. Has it not occurred to you before that he may not be trying to communicate in English? How is it that only you can understand him and have to translate for everyone else? As you have said in your letter, your friends and loved ones have not been able to recognise any formulated patterns of speech in your dog’s growls and barks, so if the consensus of people say one thing and you say another, what does this tell you? I think perhaps you should let a family member or friend look after the dog while you seek professional help. You may be ‘inseperable’, but I feel this is incredibly necessary for the time being.


Dear Bridget,
Pressure from family and friends can feel suffocating at times, but I think you have to look at your own dreams and desires and ask yourself whether these burdens are coming from others, or whether they are actually coming from you. You say you dream of your own Mr Darcy, a Colin Firth type character who is moody, intellectual yet surprisingly sweet? It seems that inside your mind you have created the perfect man, a figure so dramatically removed from reality that I’m sure in your heart of hearts you know that you could never fulfil such fantasies. Your family are upper-class and striving for you to marry in order to fit in, but I think I know why you’re subconsciously rebelling against such a fate… Perhaps it’s not Fitzwilliam Darcy you crave to have a relationship with, but Fitzwilliam Darcy you crave to become. Think on it.


Dear Lorelai,
You clearly have a lot of issues to do with your parents and your upbringing, your teenage pregnancy and you also show signs of severe commitment issues, but this is not what bothers me. High levels of coffee consumption can cause gout, high blood pressure, gastrointestinal problems and can also produce laxative effects. You have a hot body for someone who has birthed an infant, please don’t ruin it.


Dear Chance,
Life is tough for any child growing up in the system. Your new family love you, they wouldn’t have chosen you otherwise. I know you’ve had terrible experiences in the past but things are so different now, I hope you realise that. By the way, have your foster parents ever spoken to you about ADHD? Either way, my advice to you is to keep being yourself. You’ll settle in with your new family soon enough, just give it time.


Dear Ethan,
I am sorry for your losses and the inevitable breakdown of your marriage, but you have to accept that although once was perhaps an accident, twice was just sheer neglect. How can you lose TWO children? All I can say is, I pray to god that no more women decide to breed with you as your track record suggests that they won’t last beyond the age of ten. One final tip: saying your sons’ names repeatedly did not work very well the first time, so why did you think it would work the second? Shame on you.

Please feel free to suggest characters that could do with the help of an agony aunt in the comments below…

Emily created Dystopic in July 2012 after requiring an outlet for her love of dystopian and apocalyptic fiction. Her debut novel 'These Unnatural Men' was published in 2018.

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