Aunt Emily…


Dear Dorian,
I think I’m going to push the fact that you’re a repressed sexuality aside for one moment and concentrate on your…activities. Drugs are bad, mm’kay? You may believe that your stunningly attractive face and physique will absolve you from everything that’s bad but…okay, so maybe it will a little bit, but you charm and wit and general appealing countenance will definitely…erm…yes, you can get away with a few things with that too I suppose. But your fame and fortune will be your comeuppance, endless piles of money and a well-known name is certain to… Sod it, I give up. Enjoy the crack.


Dear Dawson,
Oh Dawson, you think and act like a massive wimp. Over-thinking is the death of any relationship, continuously eating away at the love and happiness until there is nothing left but paranoia and bitterness. The ‘problems’ and situations you find yourself in are really not that bad or uncommon and you seem to over-analyse everything to the point of exhaustion. Much like the way you verbally communicate with your array of oddly attractive besties, your thinking is far too complicated for the required task at hand. So just stop being a wimp.

AlfredDear Alfred,
I feel your pain, Alfred. They grow up too fast, don’t they? And before you know it they’re donning lycra and sleeping in the same bed as their pants-outside-tights wearing ‘sidekick’. It’s an incredibly difficult adjustment but it’s one that you have to make, because god knows Bruce isn’t going to stop what he’s doing any time soon. You mentioned the hours, days, weeks, months and years that you served Bruce for him to go off with Dick…am I sensing a wee bit of jealousy here? You know that your feelings are incredibly inappropriate and you must deal with them or else end your services at the mansion. It’s not what Mr and Mrs Wayne would have wanted, is it?



Dear Luigi,
Sibling rivalry has been the subject matter of a lot of the letters I have received during my many years as an agony aunt and is completely natural. I know it can be incredibly annoying being overlooked so often, especially as you two work together and all, but you have to look at the positive side of all of this. Sure, Mario is more famous than you, is really popular and far cleverer than you are, he’s also dressed in an outfit that makes him look like a little plump tomato. You’re faster than him and more attractive. How about shaving off that ‘tash and becoming your own person? I think a lot of this sibling rivalry can be avoided by a few simple changes on your part. And just so you know, I assure you that Mario is a little bit jealous of you as well.

Emily created Dystopic in July 2012 after requiring an outlet for her love of dystopian and apocalyptic fiction. Her debut novel 'These Unnatural Men' was published in 2018.

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